The Salties (Best Movie)

Ah, the precious first days in January... wallets transformed into un-foldable gift card receptacles, blissful sugar highs mellowing slowly into painful sugar crashes, and entire legions of people thanking whatever made-up deity they worship that they won't have to help their grandma set up another cell phone for at least a few years.

As something of an homage to Christianity's creation of Christmas by hijacking of the Pagan's celebration of the solstice, Ultimate Salt now recognizes the start of a new year as the celebration of The Salties.


Ladies and Gentlemen,


The Salties 
Part 1. Best Movie

(For the record, the category is called "Best Movie" for a reason - if you are looking for Best Picture or Best Film, please consult a photographic archive and our Filmstock of the year award, respectively.)





2011 was another milestone year in the rapid degradation of cinema as an artistic medium. Innovation and originality faded into distant memory, and the year was dominated by gimmicky implementation of stereoscopic 3D.  In all 44 films were released with extra dimensions, a spike of 13 compared to 31 in 2010. Despite this increase, cinema as a whole still has not figured out that 3D technology is ill-suited for the fast-paced blockbusters it so frequently accompanies. In films with split second cuts, non-stop movement, and deep depth of field, adding a system that impedes the speed at which the human eye can focus is monumentally foolish.


More than two years on, Avatar remains the only successful use of 3D, due to the fact that James Cameron was able to overcome his colossal douchebaggery and realize that prolonged shots with a shallow depth of field give the eye time to focus absorb the depth of the frame. Failure to understand this why the 3D in movies like Transformers: Dark of the Moon and The Adventures of Tintin looked so flat. 


Transformers was a clusterfuck of editing; never resting on a shot long enough for the 3D to take effect, and Tintin had such a deep depth of field that I was able to watch almost half the movie without 3D glasses and barely notice any of the stereoscopic artifacting. 


Films like Martha Marcy May Marlene and Tinker Tailor Solider Spy, with their long shots and intelligent use of focus, would be superior beneficiaries of 3D. Being engulfed by the bizarre interior of the top floor of British Intelligence in Tinker Tailor would be a more impacting use of 3D space than, "OH SHIT TEH ROBOT IS FLYING AT ME!!!>!>"

Also boobs. Boobs fly at you. "Thanks Michael Bay!" -12 year old boys

Wait. Wasn't I supposed to be talking about awards?

Right. So this year: Kinda poopy. But like poop after your dog swallowed your favorite toy, you can dig through said poop to find some truly special treasures. Those treasures are our candidates for Best Movie of the Year, all of which you can find here.

But there can only be one. Without further ado, I give you that one.

13 Assassins 

Directed by Takeshi Miike

Best Movie of 2011

Usually, one member of the Ultimate Salt crew will have something salty to say about a movie, but not so with 13 Assassins.

Our conversation went like this:

Robert: "So... Movie of the Year... I want to give it to 13 Assassins."

Alex: "Yup."

Other Alex: "That's about right. Remember that one part where..."

As you could probably tell from my unsuccessful attempts to avoid waxing poetic in the candidacy piece for 13 Assassins, this was the clear choice for best movie. All of this year's candidates are truly special movies, and each one deserves repeated viewings, but none is more likely to get them than 13 Assassins. Successful on every level of cinematic execution, it has something for everyone. Hardened film-snobs will be haunted by a scene of horrible suffering and 13 year-old boys will leave the theater giddy because they just saw, like, 80 dudes get decapitated.

I don't think I've ever heard such universal acclaim for a movie while exiting such a packed theater. It's definitely one of those, "Remember the part when...?" movies, and trust us, there are a lot of parts to choose from.

So yeah. Check it out!