What the hell is wrong with Los Angeles?

We find out when:

Los Angeles has a special place in my heart. Unfortunately, that place is the corner of the heart reserved for scorned ex-girlfriends and particularly nasty chunks of cholesterol. I spent a year of my life there, and during that time, developed a hatred far beyond acceptable levels for a geographic region. I could wax poetic about my loathing of this abysmal place, but it would, sadly, be entirely unnecessary, as The Decemberists pretty much nailed it when they called Los Angeles "the ocean's garbled vomit on the shore."

Los Angeles, I'm yours.

Backstage Bar

Warning: Your vision should be at least this blurry before attempting food consumption at any McMenamins.

Architecturally speaking, Backstage Bar is easily the most jaw-dropping space in the Portland bar scene. It's immense verticality easily stiff-arms the skyline views from rooftop lounges like Departure and Noble Rot, which are probably its closest competition. The incredibly high ceiling makes for a stunning first impression, and the massive tapestries that it affords the walls make closer inspection equally rewarding.

Just don't inspect closely enough to see anything that's on the menu.

St. Jack

Portland, Oregon - 8:54 am - Monday. February 27, 2012.

As I nervously paced back and forth down SE 21st between Division and Clinton, anxiously checking my phone every two minutes to see if time had reached the 9 am unlocking of St. Jack, I began to wonder if one of the stars of South East Portland's hipster resurgence, St. Jack's Patisserie, was paying tribute to the crackheads and car boosters who roamed these very streets less than two decades ago by slowly unveiling their fresh-baked caneles and pan du chocolat behind a firmly locked door, causing my head to bubble with thoughts of kicking in that door and screaming, in my most crack-addled voice, "BITCH I NEED THAT CROISSANT!"

The Future of Meat Creation

I came across a particularly disturbing article on Wired today.  It describes a process of growing (not raising) chickens for meat in some sort of unconscious Matrix-style apparatus.  This imedietly sounded like a project being worked on by Veridian Dynamics and another attempt at their lab grown meat blob, that turned out to taste like nothing else other than despair.  Not only am I unsure about eating something that was stimulated by electricity rater than good ol' moving around.  I am also worried about how easy we are making it for the singularity to us into a far more complicit state when it takes over.

Experiments in Infusion part 2

The last time we attempted to infuse liquor we wound up with delicious peppermint vanilla martinis and horrible hangovers.

We should have learned out lesson.

Via Tribunali (Review)

You might know Via Tribunali as that pizza place across the street from Voodoo Doughnut, but it is much more than that. It is the most geologically sound replication of the eating conditions of bats available outside of an actual cave. As a feat of scientific engineering, it's astounding. Born out of a 1965 CIA research laboratory designed for testing human beings' ability to consume food in low light conditions, Via Tribunali has grown into a nationwide chain with locations in Portland, Seattle and New York. How did they achieve such success? By skimping on light bulbs.

I'll elaborate after the jump.

The Triple Nickel Pub (Review)

This dive spot is one of those places we love like our drunk selves love Crunch Wrap Supremes at 3 am, or better yet like our inner angsty tween loves some Third Eye Blind every now and then, i.e., our attendance is more of a compulsion than a choice. If we’re being totally honest here, its virtues are few and far between, but you’d be hard pressed to find a cheaper drunk, that is if getting a little sauced happens to be your thing like it is ours/mine.

I wouldn’t send anyone here for an impeccably-mixed cocktail, they may well make them mind you, but, as I’m a sucker for three dollar and fifty scent triple shots of Old Crow, I’ve no frame of reference for that stuff. I do know a thing or two about getting slizzered beyond comprehension for under ten dollars, though. You’ll not find more bang for your buck anywhere in the city. Bet. ­­

Spirit of 77 (review)

The Portland Trail Blazers last won an NBA Championship in 1977.

Interestingly enough, 1977 was also the last time anyone wanted to go to a sports bar. There is something intrinsically repulsive about a building full of people placing the well-being of their mental state in the hands of large men playing childrens' games, blindly glued to the disgusting Americana of an endless array of television sets. The Spirit of 77 aims to change all that. And for the most part, they're largely successful thanks to some incredible design work and a splash of Fooseball.

An Ultimate Salt Original

A Photo Essay

by

Robert Hribernick

Over the past six months, we have undertaken several attempts at infusing vodka. What follows is the photographic documentation of our most recent attempt. As I can still see the words I am typing, and still have fingers with which I can type them, it is safe to say that our efforts were met with rousing success.

How does a great summer spot fair in winter? (Violetta Review)

The experience of pensively sipping a machiato at a sidewalk cafe while an entire city flows past you is a distinctively European one. In the United States sidewalks are narrow, people are in a hurry, and the city flowing past tends to be considerably less picturesque than European counterpoints, forcing outdoor seating areas to be crammed into a fenced-in backlot, if they exist at all.

Enso Winery

When a term like urban winery gets dropped, my first though is always of some ultra-hip, too-cool-for-you wine bar with a couple barrels in the back. My second thought is of a marketing director attempting political correctness when confronted by a winery run by a rap crew.

Tåbor Food Cart (Review)

Any time the term "eatery" is used, I'm generally pretty happy. 

Portland, Oregon is unquestionably on the forefront of mobile food preparation and consumption technology thanks to its occasionally overwhelming food cart population. Among that population, Tåbor proudly represents the underrepresented Eastern European cuisine. Now you might be thinking Eastern European cuisine is underrepresented for a reason (ghoulash anyone?), the Czech Eatery compensates for this stigma by being on the forefront of meat-slab technology.