What the hell is wrong with Los Angeles?

We find out when:

Los Angeles has a special place in my heart. Unfortunately, that place is the corner of the heart reserved for scorned ex-girlfriends and particularly nasty chunks of cholesterol. I spent a year of my life there, and during that time, developed a hatred far beyond acceptable levels for a geographic region. I could wax poetic about my loathing of this abysmal place, but it would, sadly, be entirely unnecessary, as The Decemberists pretty much nailed it when they called Los Angeles "the ocean's garbled vomit on the shore."

Los Angeles, I'm yours.

Carpe Sodium - Part 1: "The First 20 Minutes"

Ultimate Salt Presents: 

Carpe Sodium

An advice column by Alexander Pence

TODAY'S LESSON:

The First 20 Minutes or: The First Step Out of the Friendzone

     Confidence goes a long way. Looks, smarts, athleticism, and money are all good, but if you don't act like you have it; you basically don't.

However, there is a fine line of being tactful and tactless. Show your strengths and hide your weaknesses, because most girls make the decision about your placement in the friendzone within the first 20 minutes of meeting you. 

Why Do Girls Like Flowers?

Despite a valiant push by Christmas in recent years, Valentine's Day remains everyone's favorite made up holiday. While it lacks Christmas's genius capitalistic hook (you buy people stuff, for Jesus), Valentine's Day is particularly despicable because it uses humans' one fatal flaw against them: Love. War and hatred may seem the most damning flaws in the human condition, but there is nothing more irrational or  more dangerous than a man, driven by the blinding chemical reaction we call love, to impress the object of his affections.

Valentine's Day takes love, that drive that has ruined so many great people, and puts it to the test. How much do you love someone? You had best get the correct number of chocolates, or else you'll suffer a humiliating defeat of being unable to correctly express your love through capital. While love punishes universally and indiscriminately, the encumbrance of Saint Valentine's great test falls solely on the male gender.

Due to Valentine's Day's dubious historical precedent, the reasoning behind the male's duties in preparation for February 14th remains murky at best. Regardless, any man unfortunate enough to find himself in a relationship in a week's time will be faced with the prospect of purchasing a bundle of the most manifestly incomprehensible gift imaginable: Flowers.

Ultimate Salt Presents: The Science of Hipsterdom

What happened man? You used to be cool.

There is a problem with new cars.  

As car makers have tried to make their cars last longer and more reliable, I think they have lost something: frivolity.  Those things on a car that you’re not quite sure why they built it that way, but man it’s cool.  

An Ultimate Salt Original

A Photo Essay

by

Robert Hribernick

Over the past six months, we have undertaken several attempts at infusing vodka. What follows is the photographic documentation of our most recent attempt. As I can still see the words I am typing, and still have fingers with which I can type them, it is safe to say that our efforts were met with rousing success.

The Enigmatic Allure of Mac Miller and The Ominous Future It Portends For Generation Y.

Let me start out by saying that I love vapid party rap as much as any 16 year-old kid on his first of many Mac Dre kicks. That is to say that Thizz Entertainment has sound tracked many of my more ‘stewie’ nights. Anyone who doubts my veracity need only glance at my iTunes “Top 25 Most Played” playlist, on which you’ll find a number of party rap staples, among a number of other lesser known but still totally hittin’ odes to hedonism, a brand of hip hop which in a rather lamentable turn of events has all but erased the once stalwart subgenre that was socially conscious rap.

Avoid Ghetto App - For When the Block is just too Hot

Microsoft Patent does what Our Education System Never Could: Keep people off the street.

words Robert Hribernick

On January 3rd, 2012, Microsoft patented a new system for GPS devices that will allow pedestrians to avoid bad weather and unsafe areas. Why pedestrians would have to worry about localized weather shifts is not something the patent discusses.

But overall, that seem like a pretty useful idea. I mean, I'd like to avoid bad weather and WAIT. What do YOU MEAN, "UNSAFE AREAS?"

That's right. The software uses recent crime statistics to divert users away from areas in which they are statistically more likely to get shanked, shot and/or heated, merc'd or "ridden on."



Already dubbed the "Avoid Ghetto" App, Microsoft's latest has sparked some hilarious responses, along with, as is usually the case when the national media so freely uses the word "ghetto," some serious accusations of racism.

Booth Babes Cause Controversy, Hilarious Explanations at CES

The BBC posted a piece about the practice of electronics companies hiring models to "promote" their company's booths at tradeshows like the currently underway Consumer Electronics Show. The practice goes something like this:

1. Find a hot woman.
2. Dress her in small amounts of fabric.
3. Have her stand near/hold your product
4. Have her talk to creeps who would normally just stare at her from afar.
5. (Optional - if you're nice) Pay for any counseling that may be required after Step #4.

It's pretty clear that this is not exactly a pillar of gender equality, and the tech writers interviewed in the BBC video outline how ridiculous the booth babe concept is, but the star of the show is definitely Consumer Electronics Association CEO Gary Shapiro. His time on camera is brief, but he makes the most of it, dropping gems like,