St. Jack

Portland, Oregon - 8:54 am - Monday. February 27, 2012.

As I nervously paced back and forth down SE 21st between Division and Clinton, anxiously checking my phone every two minutes to see if time had reached the 9 am unlocking of St. Jack, I began to wonder if one of the stars of South East Portland's hipster resurgence, St. Jack's Patisserie, was paying tribute to the crackheads and car boosters who roamed these very streets less than two decades ago by slowly unveiling their fresh-baked caneles and pan du chocolat behind a firmly locked door, causing my head to bubble with thoughts of kicking in that door and screaming, in my most crack-addled voice, "BITCH I NEED THAT CROISSANT!"

The Best Website I've seen in a Minute.

Dangers of Fracking is a website that is totally not what Battlestar Galactica think it is. If you like yourself some HTML 5, check this out. You won't regret it. You might also learn something that you will never, ever need to know unless you find yourself in a very bizarre action movie.

Dangers of Fracking.

Awesome Lobster Johnson Cover by some dude.

Some guy who calls himself The Silent H has put together an awesome cover for the Dark Horse Comics' latest Lobster Johnson series.

CHECK IT OUT.

PIRATES! (The new masters of quality control.)

Avast ye! This torrent of The Green Lantern was an .mov and thar be no Quicktime in these parts!

A new study has been making the rounds across the interwebs which states that the advent of copyright piracy dens the Pirate Bay and torrent clients like BitTorrent have had no effect on Hollywood's box office receipts. Unfortunately, this study has been falsely hailed as the definitive assuagement of the internet's collective guilt over illegal downloads.

The Future of Meat Creation

I came across a particularly disturbing article on Wired today.  It describes a process of growing (not raising) chickens for meat in some sort of unconscious Matrix-style apparatus.  This imedietly sounded like a project being worked on by Veridian Dynamics and another attempt at their lab grown meat blob, that turned out to taste like nothing else other than despair.  Not only am I unsure about eating something that was stimulated by electricity rater than good ol' moving around.  I am also worried about how easy we are making it for the singularity to us into a far more complicit state when it takes over.

Portland's Love Affair With Masochism

I should know better than to root for the single most-slighted small market team in an already biased league (See: Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals). And I should probably know better than to hinge my well being and sanity on the successes of a group of men who likely have growth disorders. But I don’t, which is really more of a testament to how few prospects I have at the moment, but such is life when you’re a woefully underemployed single dude trying to make it honest.

Shit the Internet needs to stop making.

Courtesy of xkcd - The best webcomic.

The internet has produced a great many things. In sparking everything from social revolutions to complete government overhauls, the vast network of people has already proven its worth ten times over. In order to get to the worthy stuff, though, one must sledge through a wasteland of content that can best be described as fucking terrible.

And you don't have to worry. Cat-related content is left off this list because of its glaringly obvious unnecessity.

A Deep and Compelling Argument That Soccer is the Greatest Sport of All Time

Are you a super-wealthy comic book fan looking for a good cause and some awesome art?

Perhaps imitating the villains that their heroes have repeatedly conquered for the better part of a century, Marvel Comics is attempting to completely destroy Gary Friedrich, the creator of Ghost Rider. They've already made millions from a character that Friedrich created, and are now trying to make him pay $17,000 in "damages" that he has brought about to the corporation.

Standing beside Friedrich are Hellboy creator Mike Mignola and The Goon creator Eric Powell. Like Friedrich, they have created characters that have gone on to be wildly successful, but unlike Friedrich, they created their characters in a time when comics publishers weren't all vile, money-grubbing emulations of their own super-villains. Dark Horse allowed their creations to remain their own and flourished because of it. 

Now Mignola and Powell are each auctioning a piece of original artwork tied to their most famous character in an attempt to raise money for Friedrich. Mignola's gorgeous Hellboy print is above, and Powell's The Goon is after the jump. 

Curren$y - "Here EP" (Review)

Okay. Best album art of the year. The rest of you can try, but yeah. Spitta's got it. No worries though. Second place still gets a a nice tote bag.

After Curren$y dropped, like, 209 albums in a two year period, one would be forgiven for thinking he might fall off. After so many verses, is it even possible that the guy had anything left in the tank? If there was any sort of upper limit to the number of lyrics a human being can feasibly construct in a lifetime, surely the New Orleans MC had to be nearing it.

As if the copious volumes of THC slowly being absorbed through his lungs have given him clairvoyance into the anxious minds of his listeners, Spitta dropped his five-track EP Here last week in order to tide them over until March's The Stoned Immaculate.

 Hit the jump for a track by track breakdown.

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace 3D - The Definitive Review

In a move that I think we can all agree is excreting the very nectar of necessity, the Star Wars saga is being rereleased, one movie at a time, with an extra dimension added for shits and giggles. The natural place to start is with Episode 1. What more could an added dimension bring to one of the most abysmal disappointments in cinemas's history?

It's Ultimate Salt's review of Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace in 3D.

Cole Hann Lunar Grand

In a lab buried 20 miles beneath the Cascade Mountains, some diabolical Nike scientists have combined the gala-attending style of a wingtip with their "Lunarlon Cushioning System" to create the Cole Hann Lunar Grand. The Lunar Grand represents exactly what you'd expect from a sportswear company's high end brand: Stylish shoes with a made-up material for the sole. It's currently only available in Cole Hann's soho showroom.

Here is an excerpt from our interview with Nike's science engineers:

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: An Adorable Movie About the Apocalypse.

A romantic comedy with Steve Carrell and Keira Knightley?

Normally, I'd overlook my schoolboy crush on Ms. Knightley and pass on such cinematic fluff, but I'll be damned if an apocalyptic twist doesn't give this romantic comedy a spark that the genre sorely needs. If the trailer is any indication, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World looks to use an impending doomsday meteorite as a framing device for cross country romp to find a lost love, rather than the typical ohshit-there-is-like-200-dudes-trying-to-eat-my-face.


Although there may be some of that for good measure.

Carpe Sodium - Part 1: "The First 20 Minutes"

Ultimate Salt Presents: 

Carpe Sodium

An advice column by Alexander Pence

TODAY'S LESSON:

The First 20 Minutes or: The First Step Out of the Friendzone

     Confidence goes a long way. Looks, smarts, athleticism, and money are all good, but if you don't act like you have it; you basically don't.

However, there is a fine line of being tactful and tactless. Show your strengths and hide your weaknesses, because most girls make the decision about your placement in the friendzone within the first 20 minutes of meeting you. 

The most horrifying news of the day.

For anyone who has read Farenheit 451, news that the modern world has successfully created the primary human-life-ending robobeast from Ray Bradbury's masterpiece would be met with little less than abject terror. Well get your terror faces ready, because that news appears to be upon us. DARPA has released the video of the first field test of their unsettlingly named Alpha Dog.

The Bourne Legacy Teaser: More stars, more action, less point.

The poster is nice though. Digging the
horizontal bar motif from the trailer.

Throughout cinematic history, there is no end to the number of unnecessary sequels. After the wild success of his breakout gangster saga A Better Tomorrow, director John Woo was tasked by hungry studio execs with continuing the story. The problem: At the end of the movie, Chow Yun-Fat's character, the heart of the story -- played by the film's biggest star, dies. Spoilers, by the way.

Solution: He has a twin brother of course! This pathetically contrived narrative loophole is downright admirable in its idiocy. It is so patently absurd that the audience immediately accepts it as humorously ironic and moves on with the story. The film gets away with it because the idiosyncrasies of the storytelling had made it apparent that action, not story, was the film's focus.

Which is why it is so frustrating to see such The Bourne series, renowned for blending storytelling with action, fall into such painful narrative traps in order to prolong a franchise that needs no prolonging.

It turns out Jason Bourne wasn't the best. It turns out there was this other guy who was totally way better than him, but for some reason made it though three movies without being mentioned. It turns out that nothing in the first three movies mattered, because that's how much of the shit this new dude is.

His name is Kenneth. AN' HE JUST WENT ROGUE!!! DOH SHIT!

So we're rehashing the last three movies with a new guy in a crew cut punching people? WHY?

What I do like:

1. The line "Will you submit to this program?" being reused. If you're going to shit on your foundation, at least give it a call-back.
2. Tony Gilroy directing. Dude's 2 for 2 at this point. Maybe he'll pull off a trifecta.

Here's the trailer anyway. Blech. Just watch Hanna again, please.

Kanye's New Clothes

While Kanye's music career may have attended Ball So Hard University, his fashion career may have dropped out of Ball So Hard Community College. 

Despite his first attempt at fashion design being doo-doo'd upon, Kanye West is determinedly dropping his second effort at women's wear at this year's Paris Fashion Week. Concordantly, Guinness World Records officials will be on-site to confirm the record for Most Playings of "Niggas in Paris" in a Single Week.

True Crime returns, kinda. Square Enix announces "Sleeping Dogs" or: White people don't have to be in everything, it turns out.

Lost in the furor surrounding the initial wave of Grand Theft Auto clones was the fact that Luxoflex's True Crime: Streets of LA was actually a pretty decent game. It's varied gameplay and branching storyline were enough to forgive its obvious inspiration in Rockstar's opus. True Crime's unique contributions to the open-world genre may be minimal, but I will always appreciate it for its awesome brawling system, the ability to frisk pedestrians for drugs at will, and for bringing some desperately needed slow-mo dives to a sandbox style game.

Its sequel, True Crime: Streets of New York brought predictable advancements and changes to the model of its predecessor, but never cracked "noteworthy" status. The slated third game in the series, True Crime: Hong Kong was cancelled almost exactly a year ago when publisher Activision thought it wasn't up to snuff. They must have been on a significant amount of snuff to have thought that, because the game looked incredible. Square Enix obviously thought so, and copped the rights to the game a few months after its shelving.

Now, Square Enix is giving True Crime: Hong Kong a second chance under the new title Sleeping Dogs, a title originally thought to be reserved for a third Kane & Lynch game. While it's sad to see Kane & Lynch go, Sleeping Dogs' proof-of-concept short film looks promising.

Man, Joysitq got linked to like ten times above. Hit the jump for the short and a brief commentary on how racist everyone secretly is.

Why Do Girls Like Flowers?

Despite a valiant push by Christmas in recent years, Valentine's Day remains everyone's favorite made up holiday. While it lacks Christmas's genius capitalistic hook (you buy people stuff, for Jesus), Valentine's Day is particularly despicable because it uses humans' one fatal flaw against them: Love. War and hatred may seem the most damning flaws in the human condition, but there is nothing more irrational or  more dangerous than a man, driven by the blinding chemical reaction we call love, to impress the object of his affections.

Valentine's Day takes love, that drive that has ruined so many great people, and puts it to the test. How much do you love someone? You had best get the correct number of chocolates, or else you'll suffer a humiliating defeat of being unable to correctly express your love through capital. While love punishes universally and indiscriminately, the encumbrance of Saint Valentine's great test falls solely on the male gender.

Due to Valentine's Day's dubious historical precedent, the reasoning behind the male's duties in preparation for February 14th remains murky at best. Regardless, any man unfortunate enough to find himself in a relationship in a week's time will be faced with the prospect of purchasing a bundle of the most manifestly incomprehensible gift imaginable: Flowers.

Compelling Reasons Greg Oden Should Smile More

We need to talk about Greg Oden, and his trademark unsmiling disposition. Not only because its irks me to no end, but more importantly because it threatens to undermine the already tenuous suspension of disbelief required of any rational human being before said being can derive any pleasure whatsoever from watching a professional sport.

On the radar: Hawken

Mecha have entrenched themselves fairly deeply into sci-fi lore, and for good reason. Any potential future without giant robots that you can drive/do battle with isn't really a potential future worth imagining. Video games are a natural extension of anything involving giant robots, and the human-piloted aspect of mechs make them particularly susceptible to appearances in video games.

That said, video games have a fairly uneven history with giant battlesuits, with mech-based games ranging from simplistic but good to financially exclusive to just kinda meh. With Hawken, Adhesive Games have thrown their hat into the frenzied mech-combat arena, and from the looks of early gameplay, they may have a winner.

Calvin and Hobbes Art

Calvin and Hobbes is the best comic strip ever made. That might seem like a bold statement, but it's really not. It's a pretty simple fact. Opinions come in varying degrees of ferocity, but there are few who would even bother to contest that opening statement as an opinion. No other comic --hell, no other work of any kind-- has managed to so perfectly capture the wonderment and innocence of childhood and blend it so masterfully with a scathing critique of American culture. Wildly imaginative and always pushing it's own boundaries, Calvin and Hobbes is an absolute treasure.

Speaking of treasure, the above watercolor illustration for a 1989-90 calendar by Calvin and Hobbes creator Bill Waterson is going up for auction in New York, where it is expected to fetch over $50,000. If everyone who has one of those incredibly tasteful bootleg Calvin bumper stickers chipped in a nickel, there would be more than enough money to hang this in the Ultimate Salt offices.

Find out some more details on the work here.

Experiments in Infusion part 2

The last time we attempted to infuse liquor we wound up with delicious peppermint vanilla martinis and horrible hangovers.

We should have learned out lesson.

Via Tribunali (Review)

You might know Via Tribunali as that pizza place across the street from Voodoo Doughnut, but it is much more than that. It is the most geologically sound replication of the eating conditions of bats available outside of an actual cave. As a feat of scientific engineering, it's astounding. Born out of a 1965 CIA research laboratory designed for testing human beings' ability to consume food in low light conditions, Via Tribunali has grown into a nationwide chain with locations in Portland, Seattle and New York. How did they achieve such success? By skimping on light bulbs.

I'll elaborate after the jump.

Awesome advertising: Shame print ad

After appearing in the escort ads section of indie newspapers, Michael Fassbender is officially in everything.

Steve McQueen's Shame is probably the best movie about someone with a made up condition to ever get snubbed by the Academy Awards. Any film that can make sex addiction, which is, again, not actually a thing, seem like legitimate drama is surely worthy of some sort of plaudits. The above ad, which is appearing in UK newspapers, capitalizes on the film's riské subject matter by shadowing Michael Fassbender's face over the escort ads. Juxtaposing sexxxy singles with with classy scarves has never been accomplished with such taste. Artfully done and thematically relevant, this is some of the best movie advertising you're likely to see.

[via Copyranter]

The Triple Nickel Pub (Review)

This dive spot is one of those places we love like our drunk selves love Crunch Wrap Supremes at 3 am, or better yet like our inner angsty tween loves some Third Eye Blind every now and then, i.e., our attendance is more of a compulsion than a choice. If we’re being totally honest here, its virtues are few and far between, but you’d be hard pressed to find a cheaper drunk, that is if getting a little sauced happens to be your thing like it is ours/mine.

I wouldn’t send anyone here for an impeccably-mixed cocktail, they may well make them mind you, but, as I’m a sucker for three dollar and fifty scent triple shots of Old Crow, I’ve no frame of reference for that stuff. I do know a thing or two about getting slizzered beyond comprehension for under ten dollars, though. You’ll not find more bang for your buck anywhere in the city. Bet. ­­

Something we can all agree on: NINJA TURTLE ACTION FIGURES.

Playmates Toys is releasing a line of 6 inch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures that harkens back to the series roots. That means no terrifying realistic renders and none of whatever this is. It means pure Saturday morning, 6 am, four-bowls-of-Reeses-Puffs bliss.

Now let me get something out of the way. I'm not your run-of-the-mill Ninja Turtles fan. I'm not that guy who rocks a Ninja Turtles hoodie to a kegger, then says something like, "Man, I fuggin' love Ninja Turtles! HAHA So cool! When the evil Splinter attacks? I fuggin' hate that crazy Splinter dude, why does he need that mask?" I'm the guy that's punching that dude in the face, demanding he apologize for blaspheming the most honorable Master Splinter by confusing him with the vile Shredder.

I had boxes, no, crates of Ninja Turtle action figures as a kid, and all I can say is that I wish any were as cool as these. The new line features a ridiculous amount of articulation points; even the fingers can be moved individually. I come from a time when you were lucky to get two shoulders and a waist that rotated, so this is blowing my mind.

Hit the jump to check out all the members of the world's most fearsome fightin' teenagers.

Alan Wake (Retromendation/ PC version "advance" Review)

It would seem that Ultimate Salt only likes to belatedly review Third Party Xbox exclusives from spring 2010. But technically, as Alan Wake is PC bound, this counts as an advanced review! Booya.

Hey guys, I don't know if you know this, but this game is a psychological action thriller. Just in case you missed it, we put it under the freaking title.

Remedy Entertainment's long-awaited follow up to their stellar two-part Max Payne saga was a long time coming. Initially announced in 2005, the game didn't see release until the spring of 2010, at which point cautious skepticism was bubbling close to the boiling point of outright disregard. What could cause such a high profile game to be delayed for so long?

The answer is about as mysterious as the events that befall the game's titular character. As it would turn out in, Alan Wake, the character, has some problems. Not standard video game problems, though. No one is trying to shoot him, no ambiguously foreign villains have a dastardly scheme that needs foiling, and no flags need be captured. Alan Wake has real problems; problems you might classify as either "grown up" or "first world," depending on your disposition.

His writing career is at a dead end due to a serious case of writer's block and his marriage is on shaky ground; two individual problems that serve to exacerbate each other. In an attempt to alleviate both, Wake and his wife Alice have sought refuge in the relaxing solitude of the Bright Falls, Washington. Things take a sinister turn after a brief encounter with a demonic presence at a local diner, (don't you hate when that happens?) and pretty soon Wake is besieged by ghastly forces of darkness, both metaphorical and literal.