Carpe Sodium - Part 1: "The First 20 Minutes"

Ultimate Salt Presents: 

Carpe Sodium

An advice column by Alexander Pence

TODAY'S LESSON:

The First 20 Minutes or: The First Step Out of the Friendzone

     Confidence goes a long way. Looks, smarts, athleticism, and money are all good, but if you don't act like you have it; you basically don't.

However, there is a fine line of being tactful and tactless. Show your strengths and hide your weaknesses, because most girls make the decision about your placement in the friendzone within the first 20 minutes of meeting you. 

     The green side of the above Venn Diagram concerns those a girl (or dude - if that be thy persuasion) has deemed worthy of bedding, while the red side concerns those who are not so lucky. But even those safely entrenched in the sexy zone can, without warning, be retroactively friendzoneded. Regardless of the time you have spent in the wooing process, a girl can, at any time, stage a nationally televised press conference in which she will, while flanked by walls of Vitamin Water, announce that she is "taking her talents to that dude who has his own web design start up." Basketball fans will now understand why being "friendzoneded" is also known as "getting Clevelanded." It is actually in the contracts of every major broadcast network that they must oblige any women requesting such a presser.

The key to avoiding the friendzone is to maintain perpetual confidence. Say you meet a pretty lady (or again, dude) at the human mating grounds known as "the club" or "a bar." Should you feel in the mood to break the ice with a terrible pick-up line, her reaction should clue you in on your "friendzone" status. 

You say:

"Man, you must give your dad some terrible headaches."

She responds with:

a) Eye roll

b) Fake laugh

c) Eye contact

d) A joke about your use of the word "head"

Response "A" - You are worse than friendzoneded. You are practically an enemy. Hedge your bets and attempt to become "frenemies" with this girl.

Response "B" - Congratulations. You have just given birth to a beautiful baby friendzone. Say hello to several years of hearing her complain about the guys currently bedding her.

Response "C" - Frightening, I know. But don't look away. The fact that she thinks enough of your classless come-on to look at you like a human being means you are in the friendzone, but she just dropped an awesome Batman-style grappling hook gun down to you.

Response "D" - Start sizing up her ring finger. Just get tested first.

Obviously, your follow up to her response is a key step in your continued laying down of the Mac, but knowing exactly what her response means for your chances of entering the coveted "sexy zone" is an integral part of  your game. Hopefully, this introduction will help.

Next time on Carpe Sodium we introduce GIRLFRIEND GAME THEORY / FRIENDS GETTING YOUR BENEFITS / COUPLES THAT SMOKE 2GETHER STAY 2GETHER & More on AVOIDING THE FRIENDZONE